Did OT last night and only left the workplace at around midnight...got home feeling totally zonked out, even watching tv seemed like a chore. Thus, i went online for a while and proceeded to dreamland at about 2am. Woke up this morning feeling tired...it seems like such a constant state. I can never sleep well, Dream always seems to intrude into my sleep. Good dreams, bad dreams.... Is this a state of a restless or troubled mind? Yesterday, my dream was quite funny. I dunno if its the phobia of work or wat...but i dreamed that my face broke out in acne due to the irratic hours that i keep. Haha! It was horrifying and realistic. My parents acutally bought breakfast this morning. Nasi Lemak with otak and chicken wing! Really yummy but im getting fat. Shall have a healthier lunch i guess. Meeting the gals tonite...it has been a long time! But seriously, I feel like staying at home. -__- Okie, the end of my ramblings....

 

It was just a normal chair, with plasticky and rubbery strips of red, blue and white. But yet, this chair was what represented of my last memories of my grandfather. There can never be a feeling of expectancy towards death and when that happens, a feeling of surrealism simply overwhelms. The mind and the heart struggles to accept the truth but yet...

I was awoken from my sleep a few days ago, just when I was in my bed after two consecutive night shifts. My mum was shaking me awake informing me of the awful truth. In a daze, I got off my bed whilst the truth sank in. Apparently my mother had just calling me but I was in too deep a sleep to hear the rings of the phone. Smses by her and my cousin did not get through as my handphone was on silent mode. By the time she got home, my grandfather had already departed by about 3 hours. Death, ever so mysterious, seems to impart upon the 'victim' a sense of prophetic power. My grandfather 'knew' his impending death and informed everyone in the house that he would depart by 4pm that day. He even asked my uncle to take down all the new year decorations. Of course, everyone thought he was mad and my grandmother just asked him to stop spouting nonsense. My grandfather proceeded to shower and cleaned himself more thoroughly than usual. Thereafter he went off to sit in his usual chair by the door, waiting for lunch. My grandmother went off to get his bowl of porridge for him and when she returned, he had already departed.

I never felt so much regrets over a person's death before. Not of my grandmother, not of my uncles whatsoever. It stemmed from the fact that I didn't perform my duty of fillial piety well enough before his demise. The very last time I saw him, it was the first day of Chinese New Year. I was greeted with the image of him in his usual chair by the door at the very moment when I stepped into the house. He was skinny yet did not look unhealthy. But I still felt a tinge of sadness at seeing his state. I felt regretful that I did not spent more time at their home, partly because I came late, partly because I had to go to work. It was only about an hour before I had to leave. Why didn't I choose to take the first day off instead of the second day? I had the freedom to choose and yet I picked the second day because of certain reasons. More than a week ago, he felt breathless and my grandmother sent him to hospital. He was given a clean bill of health but my grandmother insisted on him staying there for a few days. I wanted to go visit him but my grandmother asked that we do not go, because there was a mad man who kept stripping, sleeping opposite him. In part, I was lazy as well. I felt bad though at images of his skinny self and told my mother that I wanted to buy tonics for him. My mother suggested bird's nest and asked my grandfather if he wanted that. My grandfather was good, honest and had a hard life, working up to 3 years to his death in a temple. In part because his children were not well off. Now that I've started working and could contribute some money to them, he didn't live long for me to do my part. He told my mother that he wanted it, but I kept procrastinating buying it. I really hate myself. A few days later he was gone. My grandmother told my mum that he had mentioned it to her. It must have meant alot to him but yet I was so unfillial. I really felt in the pits when I saw this lone bottle of bird's nest on the altar, being offered to him. What's the point? I only did my part when he finally passed away. I never felt so mean in my life and nothing I do can ever change this fact. I only hope that now that he has gone, he will find peace in wherever he is now. Leading a comfortable life and being with his loved ones. I also hope that my grandmother will take it easy. Sometimes, seeing the reactions of the people around you is perhaps worse that the sadness you feel at the person's death. i have never seen my grandmother scream and cry in my life. And yet everyday, she broke down at least once. It really hurts.

People might say, at least you saw him 2 weeks before his death, and he won't blame you for anything. But trust me, nothing would ever make me feel good about his death. At least if I had treated him better, visiting him more often, and being more fillial, at least I won't feel so bad about his death. I just wished his death hasn't been so sudden, and for once, that I did not procrastinate. I just hope that he's leading a good life up there now.

The chair was disposed off soon after his death. Chinese customs dictates that belongings of the dead be disposed. As I helped to bring down what's left of his dismantled bed frame, his pillows and blankets, I couldn't help but stare at his chair, lying in a heap at the void deck. Somehow, it felt lonesome and unwanted. But yet for a period in his life, it was his favourite place to spend his time at.....

sometimes i think that i am cursed. the guys that i dun like, like me. and the guys that i like are forever unavailable. haizzzzzzz.....

staring at the body of my uncle this evening invoked in me a sudden rush of memories of how he was like when he was still alive. somehow, my mind refused to reconcile the image of him with the memory of him that existed. it all seemed surreal. i recalled memories of him when i was young. how he brought my cousin and i out for excursions at the reservoirs. we would go trekking and go in search of unusual sights. i remembered how he brought us to this place when spring water was flowing..and we washed our faces there. another time, he challenged us to balance ourselves on this pipe and cross the drain. i remembered clearly how it has just rained, and water was gushing by fiercely. he stood on the other end, with a foot on the pipe and urged my cousin and i to bravely walk across. as i balanced myself precariously, i was afraid, but yet seeing his hand extending out to us, and encouraging us to be brave, i walked across. he was intelligent and knowledgable and extended a thirst for knowledge and an inquiring mind to his children. this was what my cousin confided that she would miss this aspect of her dad dearly. he taught her alot and taught her to question. he was humble and simple. he was affable and i remembered him teasing me during a chinese new yr gathering a few yrs ago. what a difference a few years made. the uncle who was healthy and nice..became just a lifeless body. what a waste...for someone who worked hard and yet never had a chance to enjoy the fruits of his labour, i am very much saddened. his death has taught me a lesson and the phrase ' always save for a rainy day' seems so much realistic at this point in time. i would never forget his determination and his strength in fighting for survival even when everyone around him gave up.

was watching the national geographic channel on this series by nick middleton called going to extremes...each episode depicts the existence of human life in the most extreme of weather or natural conditions. man has learnt to adapt to and carve out an existence in areas which faced extreme cold, heat, dryness and wetness. the co-existence of mankind with the environment and the dependence on other living inhabitants were clearly depicted. it was an extremely interesting series which had me hooked on every episode as i was awed by how mankind has actually managed to survived in conditions that seemed so uninhabitable. here i was...complaining when electricity was down, or when the weather became hot or rainy. yesterday's episode was unnerving. the host visited kazakhstan where water was a scarcity. formerly part of the soviet union, their water source, the aral sea was rapidly dried up as water upstream was diverted for irrigation purposes. as a result, the salinity of the water increased, the fishing industry suffered an impact. other industries such as agriculture became non-existent as there was no suitable source of water. desertification occured and the country became a wasteland. additionally, during soviet rule, the russians developed strains of diseases such as small pox and also anthrax to be used in biological warfare on this island in kazakhstan. now abandoned, the host embarked on a trip to this island to visit the abandoned 'medical' premises. gas masks had to be worn as strains of these highly infectious dieseases may be lingering. it was total chaos. respirators and beds with straps were seen. probably. some unfortunate souls were strapped into these beds for testing. bags upon bags of blood and some undistinguishable liquid were thrown into a big pile. one can only wonder what these bags contained. it was something that the host said that striked me deeply. he finds it ironic that despite the extremes of the natural environment, mankind has learnt to adapt to these conditions. yet, in the event of a man made 'extreme', it was impossible for man to survive in such environments. this was the gist of what he said. the beauty of mother nature has left us in wonder and awe. yet, we have witnessed the strength and horror that nature can bring, such as the boxing day tsunami. as one of the co-inhabitants that dwell on this earth and dependants on nature for survival, isnt it disturbing that perhaps, our 'strength' and 'terror' are even more of a horrifying force than the natural disasters that we have witnessed. our selfish attitudes may one day render this home unihabitable, not just for mankind, but also for the millions upon millions of living organisms that had a harmonious co-existence for millions and billions of years. what right of mankind, as a relatively new species of living organism, has to render earth to such conditions. as what a lecturer of mine once said, we do not inherit this earth from our ancestors, rather..we borrow it for our children.

it feels to me that i've been going round in circles and circles. each time when i thought that i've moved on, inevitably, i will return to where i was and BAM! i realised that no matter how much i've tried to move away, to run away, to escape, little has changed. it has once been abt 'him' and now shadows of 'him' still linger within my heart. and perhaps everything that i've done so far, was just to erase the memory of 'him' inside.

How often do we have to be reminded to treasure our loved ones before its too late? Often, we wait till its too late before we say, 'Why didnt i...' or 'I should have...'.....


My uncle has been battling liver disease for the past few years and lately his condition has taken for the worst. A lively and astute man, ill health has rendered him unable to work and lead the life of a healthy person. He was admitted to the ICU a few days ago, and today when I visited him, I was shocked. I havent seen him for a pretty long time and today, I could not recognised him. Drips surrounded him and pipes were everywhere. His body, unable to cleanse itself, turned his skin a jaundiced yellow. It was a pretty sad sight. He's a strong man though, my aunt mentioned how strong his fighting spirit was and his great unwillingness to leave just like that. It was pretty sad as I could see my aunt on the brink of tears as she mentioned that my uncle said that if he should go, she'll have to be strong and bring up my cousins. My aunt then went on to recount how close they've grown in the past few years as my uncle stopped working. They spent their time driving around and having b/fast tog. She even mentioned how much my uncle liked her hairstyle and promised to bring her back to the hairdresser to cut again. However, now that he's hospitalised, this promise may not be fulfilled. Haizzz..I felt so sad upon listening to what my auntie said. If my uncle should go, it'll be hard on her as she has not been working for a long time and is not very strong. But its great that my cousins are mature and sensible, even though they're still schooling. Adversity can either pull a family together or push them apart. Its heartening that all of us are deeply concerned and affected by this event and I believe that my uncle and his family will be in our prayers.

To be a happier person
Havent been so for a long time

had a pretty fun wkend....

my fren asked me if i wanted to go out for shopping on sat which i agreed to without hesitation! keke..she was pretty surprised that i was so shuang kuai..but well..havent been shopping for 2 mths..so the crave was there. it was a rather fruitful trip and too bad, there were several stuff that i saw and liked but no cash! anyway managed to get a top and a pair of shoes, while my fren got a top. we actually shopped for 7 hrs straight and when i got home..was too tired that i showered and went off to bed. anyway in the train, this erxin thing happened. as usual, the train was crowded as it was already abt 10, there was this couple standing next to me. as i playing around with my handphone, suddenly heard this kissing like sounds. i looked up at the couple and saw them sucking each other lips..PUI!! detest this form of PDA and the guy even had the cheek to say, behind got ppl leh, better not. i was thinking..not only behind lor...but all round u got ppl!

'and when i woke up, the world was how it should be' julia roberts - my best friend's wedding

chanced upon this movie the other day whilst waiting for the repeat of the amazing race on axn. this wasnt my first time catching it as it has been shown a couple of times on tv. however, it felt like my first time watching it as i had relevations from it as i never had before.